No vuelvo atras

Didn't sing.  Wrote God during worship:  Following you, this plan, this call is too hard.

Sermon:  God's way is hard.  Persevere.  Are you willing to die to yourself?

My lips, unclean, fall silent.

Pastor:  What more can you be doing to serve God?

Reminders

Sometimes, God doesn't show up in bright shooting stars and you don't break down into tears. Sometimes, God just uses a quiet starry night to remind you that He's done those things before.

A Glass Half-Full

God gave me an image in church today. I see things as mostly half-full or half-empty, thinking that in order to overflow, I have to hold onto as much as I can and never let myself be empty or out of control. But really, it's when I'm upside down, when I die to myself, when I empty myself, that I am full, and everything runs over and through me from God. Like a pipe. Or sky-filled hands.

Communion

My friend Adriana was outside an Old Folks Home and there was a man on the ground, last night's pee reeking from his pants. He offered her a piece of old, pee-smelling bread, the one thing he had. They ate together.

My sister says...

"I am bad in it to see what God trying to give me and where i can be used it is very hard to see. I just mostly see what God didnt give me and what i want, but harder is to see what he already gave to me and what can i do with it."

Divine DJ Appointments

The last two weddings I've been to, one in Kansas, one in Vilnius, I've ended up as DJ. I think God heard my complaint that I don't like weddings, or perhaps was worried about leaving me to think too long, and decided to make me useful.

After we ran out of ways we knew how to dance, my sister and I made up new ones, and after we could dance no more, we sat down by the computer and sang worship songs together.

Catholic

A priest asked me if I wished my church was more like his.

I hesitated, knowing I'm not Catholic and why, and muttered something about wishing Orthodox and Catholic churches were more like this. He turned away sad and thoughtful.

With a few days thought, I knew the answer was yes. The youth group was leading worship, testimonies were shared over tea after services, and I as an outsider was welcomed in and put up front to sing. Lord give me eyes to see Your Church.

Leading Worship

Setting our instruments aside, a Brazilian, a Russian, and an American set out to do the dishes.

Home for Supper

So we started walking the 18 km back from our camp after two days sharing door-to-door in villages in Russia. We were all exhausted, praying for wings to relieve our aching feet. Sure enough, up pulls this Soviet-era APC (tank/truck) with massive wheels being used by some loggers. They gave us (all ten of us) a ride back with them to their yard, which was directly behind our train stop. It would've taken us five hours to get there, instead, we were only five minutes late for supper. Also, one of the loggers ended up with a Bible! :)

Provision

I came to the point where I decided I wouldn't ask for anything specific from my peeps in Brigantine. Through them, however, God gave me enough to see me through to the next step, all the way to Mexico. I had worried about this for so long.

Kaliningrad

Kat helps her mom at the children's home in her spare time, and Nadia gave up a lucrative job in China to follow where she felt God leading. I see God in my friends, in testimonies over pizza, tea and pianos in Children's homes, long walks and Soviet parks.

Synchronicity

Three years ago, I read a passage from Irresistible Revolution that included a verse from Ezekiel about softening a heart of stone. As I finished sharing with my church, I put a rock in the pile of our stones of rememberance. I was near tears.

On Wednesday, a Hungarian missionary prayed that I would receive the gifts of the Spirit in a hostel in London, picking me out of a crowd to talk to.

On Sunday, the Pastor announced this would be Pentecost Sunday, and if anyone wanted to speak in tongues, he should come up and be prayed over at the end of the service.

At the end, he read "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." --Ezekiel 36:26. I was in tears.

Tongues

I only spoke in Spanish and English...
But I felt the Spirit inside of me, and saw a little light.

In the presence of many counselors...

An Orthodox priest, Covenant House FC admin, Navigators staff, and a missionary in London:

"Don't work for the agency or the church, work for the kingdom."

"What excites you isn't an organization, it's serving and connecting to people and all of those things...do those things."

"So, if you're not incorporated and reporting these things, it will look like tax evasion, embezzlement, and fraud." 501c3, got it.

"You need accountability." "You need to have counseling and regular reflection, meetings." "You need like-minded people around you."

"Fasting and prayer." "You need to focus on loving and pursuing God, not on your plans." "How's your sabbath going?" "Do you fast? You should." "When you make space in your life, God will move."

Hostel Preachers

I prayed for God to arrange my meetings...

There was a girl from Hungary at the hostel in London there for a missions trip.

First, she picked me out to talk to. Then she frowned at my music, then she prayed over me that I would be filled with the Spirit and told me I needed to Sabbath and Fast and stay up with God.

The Church

"How old were the disciples?...Fifteen? Sixteen?"

I see the Church here. You are perhaps a year or two younger than the disciples, zealous and strong. I see pastors, worship leaders, healers, evangelists, elders, brothers, sisters.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set the example in love, faith, and purity."

Two Copper Coins

I feel guilty about leaving a youth group I started, nobody has stepped up to replace me yet. One of my guys brought a dollar to church to put in the plate today, I shared about by upcoming missions trips, and he wanted to put it towards my trip. I think it will be enough.

Another of my close friends has a disease that's been driving her crazy the last couple months, and she's putting herself through school. I considered cancelling my plans to help her out, but she was the first one to send me support. I know it will be enough.

She gave more than all the others, the widow with her two copper coins.

"When I fall down"

"When I fail you, I've always found you there."

I would think that you should have ran out of grace a long time ago.

From the Mouths of Middle Schoolers

Me: "I worry mostly about girls and the future."

Youth 1: "Get married."

Youth 2: "God will provide."

Youth 1: Airsoft! Youth 3: Paintball! Y2: XBox!

Those two things are what church elders always tell me. Only they use many more words.

Angels and Strangers

Strangers sometimes make the best friends.

Painters in coffee shops, students at conferences, the person beside you on the bus.

The girl who comes up and plays worship music on the piano when you talk about needing to make worship a regular part of your day to day.

Dust

I feel fine, just hollow. A friend is gone. He feels closer now, I was walking on the beach, and I thought I heard God say I would walk with my friend again someday.

I remember last year he got up in front of like 400 people and offered to pray for strangers. And strangers were changed. The last thing we did was pray over each other. Travel well.

Plans

I think God messes up my plans a lot because he knows it makes me pray, and stretches me to be patient.

Ashes

"Rend your heart and not your garments." I was going to chop off my hair, I always want a physical sign of repentance, to make myself pay. Ashes on my forehead, sober, dust to dust. Awaiting the cross.

Generosity

Children are often the coolest people I meet. Generosity is sharing your sled, and your afternoon, with a stranger.

Love

I spend tons of time worrying about whether I love God, because mostly I don't I just think about Him abstractly, and when I do talk to Him, I'm often spastic.

I asked my two seventh-grade guys if they loved God. They only wrote one word on their paper, filling half the page: YES.

Kentucky

A silly desire, a prayer, a dream, to cross Kentucky off my list of states. Sometimes to give you what you want, God has you kicked off a bus, unjust, and you have to face tears first.

Zach

Passed two homeless people on the street. Saw myself in the white one, the second one, the young one. Did what I could. Passed the black one, the old one, by. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.